50 Hilarious Quotes from “Schitt’s Creek”

David on nature

“I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Turkey Shoot”(Related: 17 Gratitude Quotes That Can Help You Feel Grateful)

Moira on coping

“I’d kill for a good coma right now.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Town for Sale”

Alexis on showbiz

“Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, but it only lasted like, two weeks because, apparently, Im ‘too pretty'” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The M.V.P.”

Johnny on marketing

“Tweet us on Facebook!” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Motel Review”

Moira on aging

“I’m suddenly overcome with regret. It’s a new feeling for me and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”(Related: 20 Romantic Comedies on Netflix Canada You’ll Fall in Love With)

David on independence

“Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist and my mom dressed me well into my teens.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Girls’ Night”

Alexis on survival

“Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?! Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

Moira on the downsides of being privileged

I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister. Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Family Dinner”

Johnny on standing his ground

“Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Surprise Party”(Related: Our Favourite Meghan Markle Quotes That Make Her Girl Crush-Worthy)

David on relationships

“He told me he doesnt want my help, so Im just going to play the supportive partner and watch him fail.” David Rose,Schitts Creek, Season 5, Housewarming

Moira on common sense

Well, Jocelyn, there are certain things that are just not done: Smoking in a car with a babyunless you crack a window; tipping before tax, mixing drinks with cola, and giving away a coat that doesnt belong to you. Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Town for Sale”

David on knowing his strengths

I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject. And by subject, I mean genuine human emotion. David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Singles Week”

Alexis on making decisions

What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy. Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Presidential Suite”

Johnny on event planning

Well, David, these kinds of parties take time and planning. Now, when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mothers 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month. Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “Meet the Parents”(Related: The Best Holiday Episodes of TV Shows on Netflix Canada Right Now)

Moira on self-awareness

“I cant feel my tongue. But I know its there because Im talking.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Wine and Roses”

Alexis on getting the facts straight

“I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life in really nice shoes.” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Driving Test”

Johnny on privilege

“And just so you’re aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill. I’ve watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day.” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Barbecue”

Moira on running from your problems

“What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

Alexis on escaping

Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard. Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “The Candidate”(Related: 25 Comedies on Netflix Canada to Watch When You Need a Laugh)

Johnny on getting a deal

“Oh, I know I dont have any money, but I need to look like I dont have money. Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “New Car”

David on honesty

Fall off a bridge, please? David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Dead Guy in Room 4”

Alexis on her strengths

“I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.’ Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”

Moira on motherly advice

David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican.” MoiraRose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Opening Night”

David on sarcasm

“In case you didn’t know, I’m wildly popular. Some might even venture to call me beloved.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Grad Night”(Related: 20 Romantic Movies on Netflix Canada for When You Need a Good Cry)

Johnny on being tech-savvy

“A hashtag? Is that two words?” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira vs. Town Council”

Moira on expectations

“Let’s not count our poultry before it’s incubated.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Turkey Shoot”

Alexis on education

“My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, its this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “General Store”

Moira on culinary skills

David! What does burning smell like? Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Family Dinner”(Related: 20 Movies to Watch on Netflix Canada For a Wild Nostalgic Trip)

David on fashion

I havent Bedazzled anything since I was 22.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Opening Night”

Moira on coping

“This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “Wine and Roses”

Alexis on talent

Hello, my name is Alexis Rose represented by Alexis Rose Talent. I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, A Little Bit Alexis. Feel free to sing along if you know the words!” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Hospies”

David on hard breaks

Ive been burned so many times Im like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Singles Week”(Related: 5 Tools to Add to Your Pandemic Hand-Care Toolkit for Fall)

Moira on parental accomplishments

“You are blind to reality and for that, I am most proud.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “The Drip”

Johnny on disappointment

“Why don’t you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education?” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Roast”

Alexis on potential

“I once passed off a mini horse and three guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Dress”

Moira on being stubborn

I may have been wrong. You may not have been wrong. Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 6, “The Premiere”

David on tricky situations

“Im starting to feel like Im trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here.” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “The Throuple”

Alexis on her glory days

“I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think Im funny and smart and charming.” Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, “The Cabin”(Related: Michelle Obama Is Starring in a Kids Food Show on Netflixand Its Called Waffles + Mochi)

Moira on adapting to her surroundings

“The live crows on set welcomed me as their own. One even tried to mate.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 6, “Maid of Honour”

David on karma

Its just one long string of really bad luck and I dont know what kind of carnage I inflicted in my past life to deserve it. I must have been Dracula or a spin instructor or something. David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “The Barbecue”

Johnny on being hip

“You’re not the only one with an online presence.” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 3, “Motel Review”

Moira on caregiving

“Where is bbs chamber?” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “Roadkill”(Related: Do Positive Affirmations Really Work? Heres What Mental Health Experts Think)

Alexis on safety

I didnt go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time! Alexis Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Finding David”

David on under-indulgence

“One pizza? What is this, Les Mis?” David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 6, “Start Spreading The News”

Moira on limits

“I have endured a cornucopia of trauma the last few years, I draw the line at living in a crime scene.” Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 4, “Dead Guy in Room 4”

Johnny on accountability

“You better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.” Johnny Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 5, “The Crowening”(Related: 7 Dry Hair Tips to Keep Your Locks Happy All Winter Long)

Alexis on the less fortunate

“Oh, ew, you poor thing.” AlexisRose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 2, “Moira’s Nudes”

Moira on work experience

“I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest-running demonic possession on daytime television.” Moira Rose, Schitts Creek, Season 5, The Crowening